For the purpose of clarity, I am defining rebellion in the
life of a kid brought up in a Christian environment as deliberate antagonism
towards God, God's standards, or the people God has placed in authority
in a child's life. This rebellion can show itself aggressively in a whole
host of negative behaviors as well as passively in indifference and a
lack of enthusiasm for the things of the Spirit.
When we refer to a "rebellious kid" in this book,
let's agree that by "rebellious" we are referring to actions
or attitudes that contradict the core spiritual beliefs our child claims
to embrace. We are talking about deliberate decisions to do things, say
things, or believe things that are contrary to the heart of God. We are
concerned about actions and thoughts that bring diminishing returns to
just about every aspect of the child's life.
A second way kids fall into the "rebellious" category
is if they are maintaining an obstinate or disrespectful attitude toward
the people in authority in their lives-especially their parents. These
are children who may indeed love Jesus, but for some particular reason,
are choosing to turn their back on what He says about respecting their
elders. This is what I like to call "compartmental" rebellion.
In a narrow area of their lives they are being obstinate; otherwise, they
have a genuine relationship with God-albeit a disobedient one…
Checking Out of the Checklist
…I want to flip my cards straight up for you. This book is going
to give you a deep understanding of why kids brought up in a Christian
environment often rebel. It's also going to show you some things you can
do to minimize some of their need to rebel. But if you aren't open to
honestly assessing the built-in liabilities of their Christian up-bringing,
you probably aren't going to gain much help from this exercise. If you
are certain that doing more of the things on the "Parental Checklist"
is the real answer, then I can't help you.
Maybe a reminder of some of the items on that checklist might be appropriate
here:
Church attendance
Sunday School
Summer Camp
Family Devotions
Good Manners
Christian School
Home School
Scripture Memory
Tithing
Service
No Bad Movies
No Bad Friends
No Bad Music
Frankly, ramping up the intensity of any of these things might be the
very trigger that makes your son or daughter want to rebel more. Is that
because there is something inherently wrong with anything on the list?
Of course not. Everything on the list can serve well a child's spiritual
life. But they are just items on a list if they aren't bathed in grace
and motivated by a deep and sincere relationship with Christ. Because
of this, grace is going to be our starting point, our map, and our destination
when it comes to dealing with this issue of why Christian kids rebel.
If you are not interested in utilizing God's grace when it comes to dealing
with your errant child, not to mention dealing with yourself, there is
little help I (or anybody else) can offer you.
A Taste of Things to Come
You need to know some things at the outset: if you have a child who is
up to her nose in rebellion, the world isn't over for you. It's not even
close. You might think you can see the end of the world from where you
are standing, but it just isn't true.
Kids have rebelled against God from the beginning of time. Just about
every family has at least one child who wants to take a "different"
path from what the parents would prefer. None of us does our job perfectly.
All families face pockets of resistance when it comes to raising their
children. So don't feel like you are some first class failure as a mom
or a dad because of your child's mutiny. Just get in line with innumerable
conscientious parents who are trying to figure out what to do.
And that's not to trivialize the severity of what you are facing. It
bears repeating: It's a deep down hurt when one of your kids is running
from God. And some bigger-than-life problems can accompany this time in
your child's life. But none of them are bigger than our God. As much as
you are concerned for your child, He is concerned far more. As much as
you want to help, He wants to help more.
He knows your fears. He knows your hurts. And although you might feel
like your child has abandoned Him, He has not abandoned your child. He
loves you, he loves your kids, and He will be with you throughout your
entire ordeal.
And here's something else you need to know: God does some of His finest
work in the midst of our worst crises. He's in the business of redemption.
He's a good shepherd who pursues His lost sheep. And He knows how to comfort
the bruised and the battered.
This might be hard for you to accept right now, but you may actually
come to a point where you look back on this season with your errant child
as some of the finest moments of your life. It is during these times when
we need God so much that we get to know Him better and better. These times
may test your resolve as a parent, but they are also custom-designed opportunities
to demonstrate to your wayward son or daughter the true depths of your
love. You may come to realize, as so many parents have before you, that
this time of rebellion is the very time when your children's love for
you and for their Savior was galvanized.
So let go of any anxiety that has overwhelmed you regarding your child's
rebellion. Look around. Listen carefully. And to quote the most frequently
given piece of advice of our Savior, "Don't be afraid."
